colourless wind

"If it is our recurring destiny to be
Swept around in our memories,
unable to be together, so be it."

I. "Drivin' Through The Night" - move ;; ??? -
II. "Danzai no Hana~Guilty Sky" - Riyu Kosaka ;; ??? -
III. "Euforia" - Makino Yui ;; ??? -
IV. "I SAY YES" - ICHIKO ;; ??? -
V. "キミ+ボク=LOVE？ Kimi + Boku = Love?" - Tegomasu ;; ??? -
VI. "Mellow Melody" - Ceui ;; ??? -
VII. "Raison D etre" - NIGHTMARE ;; ??? -
VIII. "Undo" - COOL JOKE ;; ??? -
IX. "Smile" - Mai Mizuhashi ;; ??? -
X. "colorless wind" - Aira Yuuki ;; ??? -


Upcoming theme(s): "Sins, not Tragedies", "colourless wind", "Four Seasons", "Light & Dark", "These Words of Mine", "Colours of Gray"




Language of the Flowers

"Spare no sympathy, keep moving like you've never been hurt before.
Time does not mend a broken heart."

I. "Regret" - Rue ;; Code Geass {Lelouch Lamperouge}
II. "Unrequited Love" - Daffodil ;; Mana Khemia: Alchemist of Al-Revis {Vayne Aurelius}
III. "Rebirth" - Black Rose ;; ["Regret"'s prologue]
IV. "Remembrance" - Rosemary ;; ["Regret"'s epilogue]
V. "Pain & Grief" - Marigold ;; Original
VI. "Love in Vain" - Morning Glory ;; Katae X Kira {Original}

-Completed-

Upcoming theme(s): "Language of the Flowers", "Sins, not Tragedies", "Four Seasons", "Light & Dark", "These Words of Mine", "Colours of Gray"




"Regret"
I. Language of the Flowers - 'Rue'

It was never meant to be. I know that now, of course, and I pay for that whenever I remember her and all the things that I have done to her.

"Lelouch! Shouldn't you be heading home by now?" Shirley's voice broke the relative silence. Leaves crunched underfoot as he made his way back. But as each step fell, his movements seemed more laborous, as if there were some great weight pressing upon him.

"I've just been remembering. That is all."

"No amount of guilt will bring her back, Lelouch. I don't think she would want you to waste away here. It's been a year. It's time to let go." Although the younger girl tried to be strong, her voice cracked and she let out a sob.

"Why don't you go on ahead, Shirley? I just need to stay here a little longer. I won't be too long," he said. Shirley nodded her assent and turned to leave, but turned her head to speak.

"Just remember that it's not your fault. Blame the person who pulled the trigger, or the people that sent her to that god forsaken place. Don't beat yourself up over it." Shirley's words however, seemed half hearted though, solidifying Lelouch's resolve that it was his fault, and his alone. Shirley continued walking until she was out of sight.

It was the truth...

No matter how much it hurt to realize...

You never really cared...

"I'm sorry, Alcyaine..." Lelouch muttered, breaking the silence. But as quickly as he had said those words, silence descended again. Thoughts raced through his head. Guilt and questions rushed forth in an unstoppable torrent.

"I've got something to tell you, before I go back..." His voice was smooth and normal, but a nervous twinge seemed to worm its way in.

"I..." He hesitated for a second. It seemed as if he were gathering up the strength to do something. "... Forgive you, Alcyaine."

"He's not angry at you, Alcyaine..."

"What do you know, C.C....?" She asked quietly, biting her lips. They sat there for a few minutes of silence as C.C. stared at the floor in thought, then finally looking back at her.

"He loves you, doesn't he?" They stood up at the same time as C.C. walked her to the door; she turned to look at her once more before nodding in acknowledgment.

"Thank you," she whispered.

It was the biggest mistake of his life, running away then. Maybe if he had stayed, he would have been able to stop her in time. Maybe he would have even fought with her. Maybe so many things...

The one certainty was that she had lost the chance to have it all. He loved her regardless whether he was present at that time or not. Things were so unclear back then. They were both fifteen, not old enough for affairs of the heart. Or were they? It seemed so hazy now. Had he always known of his feelings for her? When did it start, and when did it end? Time seemed to fold in on itself, past becoming present, present becoming future, future becoming the past. Nothing was simple, yet everyday was the same thing.

At that point he knew that the friendship they had shared should never have been broken. His cowardice had destroyed her life, and shattered the bonds Alcyaine and him had shared. He picked up a piece of paper and pen, and was about to write when the doorbell rang. It seemed strange for anybody to be visiting. When the door opened, C.C. stood down there, determined to not look him in the eyes. Quickly shoving a yellow piece of paper into his hands, she turned on her heel and departed. Lelouch's eyes lowered to the paper and read the letter. Alcyaine was in captive of Rolo, and grievously wounded.

Without hesitating he ran to the warehouse. Everything seemed to be in a blur. He was running at one moment, and the next infiltrating the warehouse with the disguise of Zero. Futile struggles against inevitability.

After acquiring the location where she was, Lelouch ran full speed again. His impatient slamming of the elevator prompted him to kick the door in frustration. Surprisingly, the elevator had arrived at just the moment and his foot went through thin air. Losing balance, he fell onto his back and hit his head hard enough to leave a bump. He shrugged it off and rushed in, slamming the floor number. A few painstaking seconds later, the ding of the elevator sounded, signifying arrival. As the door opened, a dark hallway came into view.

What would she say? What would she think of him? He could walk away and never have to face her. He could make everything the way it had been before. After all, what did it matter? His life was his own... what did it matter? He didn't have to go back, it didn't have to matter.

"Lelouch, tell me you won't regret this, alright...?"

"I won't. Forever and ever." He whispered those words to an empty room; a soft tinkling of bell could be heard...




"Unrequited Love"
II. Language of the Flowers - 'Daffodil'


Darkness.

Simple, sweet, consoling darkness.

The color I am in before I enter the world, as it is the last I see before seeping out of reality.

Those relate to darkness as the unknown or regard it as something Mephistopheles. It's not like that for me. A theory could be because I, myself, am a creature of malevolence. A complete depraved person who had become bitter through grueling time. Perhaps the intimate relation with the dark somehow shadows an evilness in my own soul.

But it's not like that at all.

The blackness itself isn't something neither sinister nor corruptive. It's the same color as the moonless night; as the endless space; as the deepest waters or the darkest of caves. Even if some of us deny it...we all have darkness in ourselves. I've just come to welcome it and embrace it as others condemn it as malice. It's become a voiceless, faceless lover in my desperation.

I swear that in that black abyss...I heard you call out my name. A mellisonant voice reaching out to me.

I never pay attention to those disembodied voices.

---

My right eye fluttered open, hazily looking around the room. Blurry images flooded my brain; a disheveled bed, white-washed walls, furniture, and a silver tuff of hair beside me. My arm was above my head as the other hung loosely at the end of the bed. I closed my blue eyes for a brief moment. Savoring the last bit of warm darkness before I am pulled into the light-filled cold world.

It wasn't even daybreak.

I suppressed a groan as I heaved my body up. Another nightmare had destroyed any will to sleep.

I glanced over my shoulder to the girl skewed on the other side of the bed. I drew a sore knee to my chest, loosely hanging my arms around it. My blue orbs gazed at her, the person whom I share an unrequited love with...

Others would find my loneliness arguable. I have many friends, plenty of allies; I have six friends that constantly bring me joy... But that isn't the companionship I am lacking.

I lift my body up from the bed soundlessly. I didn't want to leave the warm spot on the sheets... But I just didn't feel like I belonged there anymore. I just wanted have solitude.

Despite I already was alone.

Alyse and I... We... Our... This arrangement was of convenience. Nothing spectacular or emotional. There is no love between us, no kindness or exchanges of affection; just a one-sided relationship.

We just needed something to fill in the esoteric void concealed deep within our chests. She came to me because the others already had picked out their pairs. We were the only ones resistant of our controlling emotions. Until we, too, found it futile to struggle. Even through our entrapped passion, we always find ourselves far from each other. Never falling asleep in one another's arms. She was the one that sought comfort in me, as I did her. But, even so, our insides were too empty to really offer anything substantial.

I want her.

My eyes absorbed some vibrance through the faint starlight. The window was a mirror that showed me the world. A dirty, filthy world I preferred not to live in. If it weren't for you, I would of departed this horrendous nightmare called reality. It's not that I am blaming her for all of this anguish; but merely, idolizing her as the angel she really is.

I breathe in. Holding my breath in my chest and thinking of her. My hand rests on the windowpane as my other places itself in one of my pajama pant's pockets. My face neared closer to the frozen glass and I could see my reflection vaguely. I could see speckles of yellow light in the distance. Tall dark buildings that lurched skyward, skinning the knees of clouds that passed by.

I want her.

I wonder if she'd be angry if I am doing this so casually.

Doubt she would find anything in me, anyhow. I don't need you. I don't need you.

...I'm lying to myself.

Though in my heart, a flicker of hope shines. I know that even with my cynical nature, there could be a slim chance that she could return these feelings.

Wishful thinking takes over my eyesight; I could almost feel the lump in my throat with the bottled three words I've been meaning to tell you for the longest time.

God, you're like some kind of drug.

I breathe sharply, almost painfully, as my eyes threaten to drop tears.

I can see her snuggling that pillow-- it is you, isn't it?

I wish more than ever to hear her voice right now. I don't do it often, if that is any consolation. Alyse doesn't love me. And I do not reciprocate her feelings. Therefore, we do not manipulate each other. We only give true gifts to each other: Solace. Acceptance. We are just salve for each other's bleeding wounds. Perhaps something to hold onto when the darkest hours approach us. I hold her close, by me, in my mind and in my heart.

I squeeze the windowpane, watching the light break the darkness in broad, yellow blades. Separating the mysterious night with iridescent light. Clouds became visible and the stars began to vanish. Dewy colors of yellow and cyan mixed together to give birth to another day. The sun struggled to reach upward, warding off the darkness and turning the sky into a much more brighter, happier hues than sunsets. Colors of rebirth.

Sunrises--they always remind me of you.

Beautiful. Angelic. Ethereal. Renewal.

If only this wasn't an unrequited love...

... It would've been better after all.




"Rebirth"
III. Language of the Flowers - 'Black Rose'


Random thoughts wrought together in a seemingly meaningless dance of letters, spilled on the paper and forming sentences. Thoughts that coalesce in the back of my mind and vie for my attention.

I remember yesterday, and before. But... present doesn't exist. Future thoughts are clearer to me than the now.

I remember tomorrow. I remember the things that will be said and hear the things that they won't say. I don't see them now, but I see them then and I hear their words.

Their judgment.

Their betrayal.

They throw my fate at my feet and step on it with their words.

"We have a deal," I said; and they will laugh and twist their lips. Our agreement was made void when you began to think for your own.

"We have decided to give you one more chance," and my thoughts once more mock me with their silent screams.

That will be my end.

My beginning.

For me there is no difference. Not for one who remembers.

"Everything you stand for is a lie."

I could only stay silent.

I sit here now, and I remember how I came here. But I don't see what I do, can't remember what I'm saying. Somebody was talking to me, before, but now they're silent.

Tomorrow will be the beginning, and yesterday was the end, but the now is an endless void where my thoughts cloud my consciousness and blind my eyes.

Tomorrow will be the beginning, but after that is the night.

"We have a new deal; you have your last chance."

They waited for my acquiesce.

"You will follow the orders given to you this time."

And again I nod.

"Failure to comply will result in your immediate execution."

I remember the night that will be and the end in the past and my thoughts are hiding the now. I remember my second failure; this is freedom and my death a new day is dawning.

And my rebirth will overcome the nights and my remembering.

But did you know the most forefront thing on my mind will be that everything we fought for was worth nothing?

They tricked us, my thoughts whisper. They tricked us.


"But never again..."




"Remembrance"
IV. Language of the Flowers - 'Rosemary'


Shimmering blue, sparkling clarity at nature's best. Spinning, twirling, shifting in size and shape, the shimmering blue orb falls. Spiraling downward from the heavens, it takes every shape imaginable. It's life, it's time in this free fall, seems to go on forever...

He felt the water on his forehead first, with a sigh he wiped it away.

Rain... Lelouch thought, wrapping his arms around himself in an absent minded attempt to prepare for the coming cold.

A flash came to him, light, then dark. Alcyaine's voice..


"It only rains when you're not around..."


Another flash, from dark into light, then Lelouch was standing on that street corner again, leaning against a light post to steady himself, getting strange looks from passersby. He looked around uneasily, cleared his throat and straightened his blazer. Sighing heavily, he continued walking.

Down the busy street, the agents of this storming metropolis walked by him as though he did not exist, because even he in fact wondered if he did at all. They walked by him; with such ignorance of him, it was as though they walked through him. Leaving but a bit of himself with them as they passed, the rain fell harder as he continued. Only those who understood; only those who had felt his feeling saw him, noticed him. Nodding to him slowly in a motion of understanding, he shrugged them away, they did not push.

Coming to the window of a coffee house, Lelouch shivered and silently wished he was wearing more than his current clothes; the light tan of which soaked into a dark brown thanks to the water from above. He stared through the window, contemplating a small cup of warmth; his attention was caught. The reflection in the glass window, streaked by water and clouded by fog, was that of him and another figure, shadowed. Squinting his eyes and wiping at the window with his sleeve, Lelouch soon recognized the shadowy reflection standing next to him.

It was Alcyaine.

He turned quickly and with a gasp, but saw nothing there before him. Nothing but the wind, the rain and the cold. Nothing but what he felt. He looked back to the window and saw only his reflection and with that, he suddenly lost his desire for warm coffee.

Back at Lelouch's now empty apartment, a cold wind blew through. Nearby, the framed photo of Alcyaine was weighted by a shadow, the shadow of a swinging rosary..


"I'll always be with you..."


The voice seemed to whisper to Lelouch on the cool evening air; the voice of Alcyaine. He marveled at the his ability to distinguish her voice, even if it was his imagination; even if it was just the wind. Once at the corner, Lelouch looked down to the puddle below him and once again saw a flash of Alcyaine's presence. He silently wondered if it were his imagination.

He closed his eyes for a moment, the sound of the rain falling gently against the stained glass almost forcing him to forget his situation.

Almost...

He could almost feel her soft skin against his, caressing the back of his hand. Opening his eyes, there was nothing in front of him.

Nobody.

A soft tinkling sound emerged from his clenched fist; he slowly raised it up.


"We'll be together... Always..."


His hand fluttered to his throat, clenching the bell tightly in his hand, tears brimming.

"I won't forget you, never."




"Pain & Grief"
I. Language of the Flowers - 'Marigold'


If one were to lose everything, what would happen to them? Would they move on? Would that person be able to go through life as though nothing had happened? Would they remember; would they want to forget?

If suddenly they rediscovered something that they thought they had lost, what would they do? Would they be happy and try to find the other things? Would they be sad, or terrified that the thing they had found would be taken away from them again? Would they be angry that they had lost everything they knew?

If that person could be happy in life, even though they had lost everything, then wouldn’t they also remember why they were happy? Would there be a layer of sadness beneath it all, just masked to hide the pain? Could they ever forget what had happened to them; could they go through life wondering when everything would disappear again?

If a person could do all of these things, then they could call themselves human. To move on, to remember and forget, to feel emotion…these are the most important pieces of a human. If one cannot do these things, then they cannot be human.

Emotions are the greatest weakness of a human being. They are what characterize a person. Without emotion, one has no personality. Without thought, one cannot act. Without feeling, one is nothing.

To live, one must have realized, 'I want to be. I want to think, and to feel, and to know. I want to be... Myself. I want... To have life, and... To be loved. I want someone... To hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I want to have... A soul.'

Here, now; you are a human being. Just because they left you, does not mean everything is lost. You have me now. And later, you will have them.

Cherish. Embrace. Remember. Endure.

Defeat.

~+~




"Love in Vain"
VI. Language of the Flowers - 'Morning Glory'

I’m crying, not out of pain of numbness, but out of sole confusion and the overwhelming thoughts that ravage my endlessly tormented mind.

I’m torn, not because of the great hurt you have caused me or the harsh things you’ve said behind my back, but because I don’t know what to do with myself anymore or what I should do about this mess I’m in.

I’m lost, even though I know perfectly well, where I am, but because I’m feeling the heavy weight of absolution in that sense of chaste abandonment.

I feel lonely despite the fact that I just got off the phone laughing. The isolation cuts but I feel nothing but relief.

I’m worried, not because my tears won’t stop falling, but because I want to scream but can’t.

I have difficulty breathing.

I’m suffocating each time I inhale.

My heart tells me I should give up.

My mind insists I’m being pathetic.

My body is burning.

My hands are shaking.

I’m cold even though it’s the middle of summer.

I can’t find the words to express my sorrow.

The bitter taste of something I can’t put my finger on rises at the back of my throat.

My tongue feels swollen. I bite my lips until I taste blood.

The walls around me laugh in silence.

Witness my pain, mock my state.

Agony embraces my weary spirit.

I’m broken yet again.

Shattered without a single touch, time is against me, I linger still.

Scattered in pieces, a mosaic to piece.

This rollercoaster of emotions only speeds up until I pass out from reality.

Up, down, round and round.

Insane.

Thirsty.

A switch and a snap of the fingers, you beckon my helpless soul.

Under your spell, a puppet cut loose, I stumble and trip. Graceful not.

I’m yours to order around and do what you please.

Kick me down and I swear I won’t make a sound.

I’m fading, not because I’m giving in but because I’m exhausted.

My eyes are closing, not drooping; I just can’t find the strength to see anymore.

I’m dying, not because my physical health is in any danger but because my mental state of mind is past the point of fragile and has been rendered utterly useless.

I’m sick.

I just want you to know, that I’m not okay, not because I say so but because you left when I needed a shoulder to cry on; a friend to comfort me.

I’m heartbroken, not because I was in love with you, you didn’t break my heart.

Why didn’t you ever gather the courage to say those nasty things to my face?

Why did you lie to me for all these years?

What ulterior motive did you have hidden up your sleeve?

What is it about my pain that amuses you so much?

You somehow gained my trust, made me reveal the secrets I wish to forget then twisted that blunt knife into my unsuspecting back as I crouched on my knees lulled by a false sense of security.

I can’t say that I’m forgiving you, perhaps I never shall.

However, this is my way of letting go so you no longer grip my heart, mind, and soul in your sinful hand.

I don’t have the strength to hate you.

No energy to condemn you.

Nothing left for anger, bitterness or regret to feed on.

Friends don’t last really forever.

Love taught me how to lie.

The memories never die.

Sad thing is...

I want to keep living a fantasy.

Despite all logic, the million shattered pieces of my heart form a mosiac and each beat still screams;

I love you.




Sins, not Tragedies

"You didn't use to believe your life was pre-destined. You used to be completely sure that you were the master of your own life; your choices were your own.

That was a long time ago."

I. "Disconnected" - 'Imperfection'
II. "Walk Away" - 'Forgiveness'
III. "Muse" - 'Betrayal'
IV. "Snow" - 'Death'
V. "Emptiness" - 'Hollow'
VI. "Still There" - 'Lies'
VII. "Dismantle Repair" - 'Doubt and Trust'

-Completed-

Upcoming theme(s): "Language of the Flowers", "Sins, not Tragedies", "Four Seasons", "Light & Dark", "These Words of Mine", "Colours of Gray"




Title: "Disconnected"
Disclaimer: This story has utterly no plot whatsoever, unlike the previous theme of one-shots. :D

So they all belong to me. BWAHAHAHA.
Characters: ... :DDD
Genre: Angst, pure angst. Why do you think the theme is called "Sins, not Tragedies"? xD
Summary: -


And now this is it. I've been forgotten, and no one will ever remember. I am nothing more than a ghost, a legend, who will waste away until the end of time.

For all I can think of is how I cry so hideously.

I’m meant to be perfect.

My oddly scrunched-up, tear streaked face peers back at me in the mirror. And all of a sudden I want to break it. I want to smash it and watch my reflection shatter into cracked glass; I want to have the satisfaction of seeing blood on my knuckles and knowing that I'’m perfect again. My red eyes squint into its depths, and droplets of salt-water fall with a gentle splish onto the reflective surface.

I want to know that I'm perfect again.

But I'm not. And that’s why it hurts so much.

Crying. This must be the first time I’ve ever done it. There’s supposed to be someone who’ll put their arms around you and make you feel safe, make everything alright. But there’s no one here.

Why is there no one here?

And I know that all I’ve ever wanted is to be perfect. I know.

... I know.

I cough out another sob, and watch myself. The silence is almost excruciating. It’s killing me.

Is it supposed to be like this? Is it meant to be like this?

Because I hate it so much.

My face is hot, painfully so, and the tears burn their way down my cheek, dripping uselessly onto the floor.

And this is what I’m reduced to.

Pain. I want to cause pain, enough pain to pretend. I survey my features again, eyeing every perfect contour, appraising the flawlessness. And in spite of that I’m screaming. I’m screaming in the hope that someone will hear.

Why is no one here?

For in reality, I’m just this little girl, trapped here. Alone.

So I'll wait, I suppose. And even if it takes forever and back, I'll wait.




Title: "Walk Away"
Disclaimer: Likewise, they all belong to me. :D
Characters: ... :DDD
Genre: Likewise. :D It's the main genre for this theme. xD
Summary: -

And I wish I had every tear I ever shed for you. Just so I could drown you in them.

There was a day, long ago, when she loved him more than she could ever possibly explain. There was a day when the sun shone high, and she turned to him. And told him goodbye.

There were hundreds of days like it. Days when the rain thundered down and you’d lock yourself away, playing your hopeless tunes and desperate melodies. I’d sit for hours, watching your fingers play across the fret board like they had a life of their own. Never missing a beat, never killing a note. Perfection.

I’d watch your eyes as you played with your heart. Passion and glory in every fibre of your being as the music flowed from your finger tips like a sermon to the gods. And on your arms the crimson streaks of pain would blossom in my minds eye. Her name.

I remember the lines that claimed I’d never hurt you like she did, that I’d never cause you pain, that I would be perfect. I lied.

Because all I wanted in those seconds was my name, spread out on your ivory canvas in vermillion ink.

I won't lie and say I hoped you would love me for who I was. I won't laugh and say "Hey, I tried," because I didn’t, not really.

I wanted your attention. I loved you. But I never wanted to be in love with you.

It took me years to realise. What the ache in my chest was every time I heard your name. Every time I met your gaze.

Why my eyes dropped to your lips when you spoke and the voice that never made sense because I wasn’t listening to your words.

You’d indulged me I think. Knowing I’d always be there, you’d hurt me. Maybe you knew what you were doing but I pray you didn’t, because I don’t want to think you would enjoy my pain.

I remember the flow from my wrists too. When I thought scars would help me see things the way you did. The way your world worked. And it did. It helped. I understood, that sometimes, we need to be in control of our own pain for once instead of having others hand it to us at their whim.

Then I realised something.

I was letting you control this too.

It wasn’t for me.

The crimson tears were just another pain that you had given me, another control you found to harness me to your heel when I wanted to be by your side.

I wanted you to love me. But I would have settled for a kiss.

Is that enough? Maybe it wouldn’t have been. The taste of your lips would have haunted me in the darkness, even as the sound of your voice taunted me in the day when I knew you were there just by the way the atmosphere changed around me in your presence. They all loved you.

And maybe it’s my pride talking. But I’ll always say I loved you more.

I remember it like yesterday. And maybe that shows this is all a lie to myself, but I’ll stand by what I say. Your only a memory.

She had hurt you. For the final time maybe, I don’t know, I didn’t stay to check.

But she’d finally taken him, your best friend, who’d betrayed you over and over with the girl you loved. She’d given in, she’d chosen him.

And it broke you in some little way I suspect. That you weren’t enough, that he was better. Because that’s how your mind worked.

And you came back to me.

I was there of course. Standing at your heel as always. In the shadow. And your gaze felt like the sun’s reappearance after a forever winter.

And then I made up my mind.

You were in agony. I could see it in your eyes, in the words on your lips, that you were ready to give up. And suddenly the coldness I had known was there rose and I hated you and the pain you were in. Because even though I loved you, you were tearing me apart. And I couldn’t deal with that.

Maybe I was a coward. But I like to think I was strong.

I turned away that day.

I gave you a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Told you would get over it, you always did. Then I walked away. I turned my head, looked into the sun and told you goodbye.

And maybe, just maybe, this proves that I will never forgive myself.




Title: "Muse"
Disclaimer: Same as the previous.
Characters: -
Genre: A.n.g.s.t.
Summary: -

I don’t know how to start anymore.

Don’t know how to make the words mean anything more than self pity and vanity.

I’ve thrown my challenge, tossed the glove. It’s yours to answer.

I don’t expect an answer.

What is this if not a one sided conversation about the times I wish to pass?

The feelings I wish to command.

I want to drag my heart down into the depths of my soul and drown it in the pain.

I want to show that I’m not a fool, yet everything I do is foolish.

This is my heart felt sentiment.

My foolish tale of hope.

Betrayal.

Can I use that word?

Probably over reacting again.

I laugh.

Just a ramble.

That's all I ever do. I ramble.

And I hope.

That just once you’ll look beneath the words that mean something and look for the ones that don’t.

You don’t understand.

Neither do I really.

But it’s there.

In every conversation I’ve ever had with you.

That ghost I wanted yet feared you would see.

That pain I wished you could heal.

You can’t.

You don’t want to, I know.

After all, I know you best.

Or so I’ve claimed.

I hope I’m wrong.

I hope I’m so wrong about this, but I never am.

Maybe.

Always.

Will you be my muse?

Be the pain that brings my philosophy?

You told me you can only write when you’re upset.

I write because I’m upset.

Because the words in black and white and silver and vermillion make me think I can put it from my head onto the paper and not have to think about it again.

I’m babbling.

A stream of words that mean nothing to you and everything to me.

They make no sense.

This might.

I give up.

I surrender.

My final game over.

Read that.

And weep.




Title: "Snow"
Disclaimer: Likewise. :D
Characters: -
Genre: Need I say anymore?
Summary: -

It was snowing. Soft flakes of silver crystal fluttering from the frosted glass sky of the cold November morning. The coating of sleek shimmering hoar frost lay heavy upon the land. Weighing the trees down and bending their limbs in stony silence.

They stood vigil on a scene of morbid glory.

She coughed painfully. Blood splattering her chin and marring her porcelain skin with the stain of a fading life.

He crouched in the ice a few feet away, cold and shivering in the breeze that ruffled her ebony hair and swept swirls through the snow.

There were birds in the leaf stripped trees singing their simple elegies but her hearing was dulled by the shadow of vermillion staining the ground dark with its agony.

Her eyes, still bright with life in a body pale with death watched him curiously as he watched her.

He felt powerful. A rush of adrenalin that told him even though she was dying by her own hand, the knife by her side warmed by her own hand, he held her life in his grasp.

It was his choice to call for help. His choice to staunch the wounds loosing her life upon the land.

And he sat and watched the scarlet flood spread, melting snow with the ever lessening warmth of her life sinking into the earth.

The sound was distant to him past the blood rushing in his ears. A low, gurgling chuckle that he traced to her. Her chest heaving with the effort, but her eyes wide with power.

He knew she wanted the query but he was powerless to resist.

"What’s funny?" His voice was quiet in the serene woods.

"Nothing..." She coughed painfully, smiling through her agony. "I just never thought... I’d be spending... my last moments... with you."

He smiled at that.

"The fickle finger of fate..." He mused.

"Fate..." she murmured. "And foolishness." She looked like she wanted to turn her head away but found she couldn’t.

He watched as the blood spread.

"Yes." He agreed finally.

The silence stood for seconds before she broke it again.

"It’s not fate..." She decided. "It’s you... Your fault... I’m here. I’m dying.”

"You did this to yourself." He replied. Emotionless.

"Yes." She agreed serenely. "I did." Closing her eyes she sighed and he rocked forward to check she was still alive.

"I’m not dead... Yet." She huffed. He smiled.

"I always loved that about you." He laughed. "Even in the direst situations you had a smile."

"It’s fading." She whispered tearfully gazing into the clouds. "I’m scared."

He nodded rocking closer to her, but not touching. Never touching.

"I only ever wanted three words... That was all... I’d have settled for the lie..." She sighed peacefully. "I’m leaving you forever... finally." Triumphantly.

"Wait for me." He whispered silently as her eyes closed for the last time.

Reaching forward he took her hand, cold in death, touched his fingers to her cheek, finally happy in the eternal sleep.

"I loved you."




Title: "Emptiness"
Disclaimer: Bwahaha. I own this blog and it's contents. XD
Characters: -
Genre: For once, partial angst.
Summary: -

You walk through the rain, through the city, which is silent in a way only a city can be, void of all sound and you feel all alone and forgotten among all the grey buildings.

How long since anyone called you?

All the lamps in the apartments you pass are turned off. The only light comes from the flickering streetlamps along the road.

The trees are bare, all the leaves have fallen off and lies on the ground, rustling, flittering in the wind.

Can leaves get cold?

You’re cold all the time.

The air is cool against your face, and you see a white cloud leave your mouth when you exhale.

Your lips are parched and dry, and you long home to your warm bed. Your umbrella turned itself inside out and broke several blocks back, and you’re wet deep into your soul.

Your heart pounds against your ribcage, one beat at a time, and the sound echoes in your ears. It is comforting in a way, a proof you’re still alive – you haven’t faded away and disappeared into nothingness.

How long since someone spoke to you?

You can see your apartment now, and you increase the pace of your steps.

You long for the spring, for sunshine, for dawn.

You miss the light.

How long since you were happy?

Your hands shake and you drop your keys three times before you manage to insert them into the door and twist the handle.

The door is heavier than usual, but it opens at last and you slink inside, grateful for the heat that meets you in the stair way.

You eye the elevator, but decide to take the stairs: You don’t feel like exposing yourself for small spaces, and didn’t it get stuck as late as last Friday? Or was it Thursday?

You can’t recall- the days and night shave begun to drift together, and time has no meaning when your life is the way it is.

When you don’t have anyone to spend it with.

How long since anyone hugged you?

You reach the third floor, and you take out the keys again.

Your door is easy to open, and you step into your apartment; your own little refuge, your sanctuary. The only thing you can call your own.

It has been a long time since you were your own, and not just a face in the crowd, one among all others who desperately tried to fit in with the rest.

A smudge of grey among millions of bright colors.

Your apartment is dark and when you push the light switch nothing happens.

The electricity is out, just like everything else in your life has disappeared and left you to your fate.

What is your fate?

You didn’t use to believe your life was pre-destined. You used to be completely sure that you were the master of your own life; your choices were your own.

That was a long time ago.

Everything is different now.

Different, and bleak and empty and lonely and grey and gloomy and lonely and cold and deserted and lonely, lonely, lonely.

Loneliness.

Who are you?

Emptiness.




Title: "Still There"
Disclaimer: As always. I'm in a bad mood while writing this but...

... It doesn't seem to be that angsty.
Characters: -
Genre: ... Classics. Read the aboves.
Summary: -

She’s still there, still standing by his side, even after all these years, and her friends wonder why.

I don’t remember the first time I saw you. I don’t remember how I came to be your friend our how I came to be your confident. I don’t remember the first conversation we had or the first time you hugged me or the first time you told me you wanted me to be there.

I remember the first time you asked me about her, the rain pounding down on the hall roof and outside I knew she stood. My best friend, someone I loved more than myself, someone who loved you and was loved in return.

I remember the day she broke you. It was the day after your birthday. I remember your dance with pain and suicide and blood and I remember the times I spent hours texting you, letting you talk and keeping you alive for one more night.

I remember how you would speak to me, tell me of the pain you were going through, the tears you’d cried that day and others. I remember all of this.

I remember holding you, promising never to let you go, even in the dark. Promising to be there for you forever, whenever you wanted it or needed me.

I remember when you asked me to come out that night with you because there was no one else. And I knew I wasn’t your first choice but it didn’t matter.

I guess it haunts me, that I can’t remember when I fell in love with you. Maybe it was right then at the beginning when you in were pain and she just didn’t understand. Maybe I’ve been waiting for you all this time.

I remember the day I finally worked up the courage to ask you if you actually gave a damn. The day I told you of all the people who would always be there for you, who loved you. I think you knew already but maybe you didn’t want to see it because in the past, what you’ve loved you’ve lost. I know you loved her.

But you couldn’t see, could you? I gave her to you and you to her. If I’d stepped in right then, told her a little black lie maybe I wouldn’t be hurting so and you would be happy. But I doubt it would be both.

I’ll always remember when you told me I was worth more than you to you. I cried for hours that night, even though your words were said without a huge amount of depth. Because above all, all I had ever looked for was your approval, something in your eyes that said I was yours as you were mine. In my heart.

I wanted you to realise, what you would have left if I disappeared from your life, what a part you would be missing but I don’t have the strength. Not to take that from you, because maybe my pride is too much but I like to think my leaving would hurt you. And I can’t let myself hurt you, even though every moment with you is breaking me. Shattering me a little more each day.

I fell for you. In one day I’d fallen in love and I’ve loved you ever since. That was four years ago. Four huge, long years and in that time I’ve seen nothing of how much you mean to me showing in your eyes. I haven’t seen that I mean anything.

So this is my strength, finally, flawlessly, I’m turning my head, I’m walking away. And as I thought.

You don’t even know I’m gone. Because you never realised I was there to begin with.




Title: "Dismantle Repair"
Disclaimer: The plotline is loosely based on one of my friend's work... So it's still partially credited to her.
Characters: -
Genre: Likewise.
Summary: -

You held me.

You promised me freedom.

From the past, from my darkness, and even from the destructive nature of what we once were, you promised me freedom. So beautiful in half-shadow sunlight, your honesty reflected in a windshield teeming with the rain of spring cleansing, I believed every word you said. You told me to trust you, promised you were worth it.

And I believed you.

“Does this prove that I care now?”

Of course, it does. The rain that’s seeping into my skin, drowning me from the pores inwards, doesn’t mean a thing in comparison to the joy I’ve found in realising you’re all talk. In the space of twenty-four hours, you built up my faith in humanity and tore it down again through the single action of forgetting exactly what it is you mean to me. I loved you with mind, body and soul; you made love to me with words, hands and eyes. And you never stopped to take into account how far you were digging yourself in, before ripping yourself out.

You drive past my house, stomping on the brake and stalling as you see me sitting in the driveway, soaked with rain and clutching a sodden newspaper to my chest (a prop, when it wasn’t raining quite so hard). You deliberate, put the handbrake on to stop your car sliding backwards down the street, undo your seatbelt and stare at me in the revision mirror. I can see every move you make, but I’m trying to ignore that fact, because the look on your face does not assure me that you’re going to do the right thing.

Your hands shake as they take off the handbrake and reverse the car back to where I’m sitting. You wind down the window. Take a look at me.

“I forgot, didn’t I?”

When a high-pitched keening noise slips through my lips before I can stop it, you shudder, watching me as I dissolve into a mess as fragile as the newspaper right in front of you. You can’t figure it out, don’t understand, and so you do what you always do. You run.

“I’ll be back later.”

And with the rev of an overpriced engine and the actions of overspoilt hands, you drive away and leave me lying in the rain, wondering how on earth I could ever have been so stupid as to believe you could be anything other than what you are.

the abstract sky ;
i see the rainbow
the sun shining through its clouds;
i'm chasing the sun under the clouds
& i realise the fragility of life within moments.

Schizophrenic LACHRYMOSE!

Eden :D
[ . Renaissance - X }
1_ years old
November 21
A Shin Megami Tensei: Persona　真・女神転生　ペルソナ addict. :D

白い薔薇の花びら　ひとつふたつ散る時
優しい朝に染められるでしょう
そして生まれ変わって　貴方の胸に咲けば
二人の愛は永遠になる

"Snow is white because it's forgotten what colour it's supposed to be..."

- Shin Megami Tensei: PERSONA... ALL things related.
- DJMAX Black Square SCREW YOU. I WANT MY BLACK SQUARE. NOW.
- ANOTHER 8/16 GB memory card
- Get a free access to Hayate's house. 8D
- ... :D
- Gifts; specifically those who still owe me. :D
- Get all the Valentine's gifts for all my friends.
- More artbooks.
- Learn piano...
- Mana Khemia: Alchemist of Al-Revis; the English version.
- Regain my ability to write with left hand once more
- Proceed to the eighth grade for violin by the end of April next year.
- Zigeunerweisen; the score. I WANT TO KNOW HOW TO PLAY THIS, PRONTO
- Finish the Visual Novel by the deadline. x.x
- Finish the first theme of this bloody blog... x.O
- Moar sketch books. 8D
- Gatecrash Seki's house
- ... Nabari no Ou. :D
- Play a duet with Seki on the violin.

i should stop missing you [Click Here]

The Treasured

xxx Arietta
x Arietta [Story blog i]
x Arietta [Story blog ii]
xxx Seki-Unde
xxx WenTyng
xxx Ember
xxx Joelle
xxx Jean
xxx Celes
xxx Hayate

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